i am told that experience is irrelevant and that all that matters is THE TRUTH. But the truth seems to change depending on who is interpreting things. And then I am told that THE TRUTH transcends human understanding and remains true no matter how imperfect our interpretation may be. huh? WTF?
All I know is that I feel (feelings bad, intellect good! oops) that this faith thing provides so little tangible benefit. Not that I'm in a total "What's in it for me" mode, but please, does it have to be this bleak? Sometimes I feel like if there's little point to hanging around. not going anywhere. no drastic action. but sometimes i wish that were an option.
Maybe my greatest fear is that i will never experience the faith of the church fathers, or of the desert fathers and mothers. maybe i will never be willing to work hard enough to put myself in a position where i am receptive to the work of the Spirit. i know that in theory God initiates everything. but why then do i feel like such a total failure as a christian? i know that it's all about grace. and as far as my eternal destiny is concerned, well, i guess that's covered. but what about life now? where is the joy, the peace, the sense of meaning and purpose? why does every experience i have with the Body seem to make me feel more and more like an outsider?
Monday, January 21, 2008
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